


You're a genius because you can't make a lamp

by mediaville



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Breakfast Club AU, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-20 23:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/893209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mediaville/pseuds/mediaville
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. A brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're a genius because you can't make a lamp

**Author's Note:**

> Initially I had signed up to write a [1D Breakfast Club AU](http://mediaville.tumblr.com/post/45639386906) for the reel_1D challenge on LJ, thinking about writing this scene. But then I failed to write anything OTHER than this scene, and I don't even think you can call it writing since all I really did was add in some eye-rolling and change some pronouns here and there, but whatever. It wants to be free, so I'm posting it.

"I love sex," Harry says, wide eyes seemingly in conflict with his slow, sleepy voice. "I'll do anything sexual with any person. I do it nearly every night. I shagged over four hundred women this year."

Louis rolls eyes but doesn't look up. "You're lying."

"It's only July," Liam says, looking dubious.

Harry tips his head towards Louis and grins wolfishly. "Some of them were older then my mum. I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal. I'm a sex addict. Can't get enough."

"Lie," Louis says, sounding bored.

Niall blinks at Harry. "S'your mam know about this?" He sounds impressed. Louis wants to puke.

Harry shakes his head slowly. "I haven't told anyone other than you lads and my psychiatrist."

Liam nods, like he's affirming Harry's choice to speak to a qualified person about his obvious deviance. "And what did he do when you told him?"

Harry bites his lip and grins. " _She_ nailed me, with a strap-on."

"How poetic." Louis's eyes are starting to ache from the rolling. 

Harry sprawls down further in his seat, long lays splayed out in front of him. "I don't think that from a legal standpoint what she did can be construed as rape, since I paid her," he says thoughtfully.

"Who's your shrink?" 

Everyone turns in surprise. Zayn Malik doesn't speak often, is the thing. 

Harry blinks at him. "Dr. Flack?"

Zayn nods. "Seen you around with her a few times. She's hot."

Louis scrunches his face up in disgust. "She's _old_."

Harry looks a little dreamy when he says, "She's not old. She's perfectly-aged, like a fine wine."

Louis laughs meanly. "Yes we can all tell what a connoisseur you are of the finer things in life, Styles. Do keep telling us about you'll fuck anything that moves. It's so charming."

Harry seems to take Louis's suggestion at face value. "Well, the first few times—"

"The first few?" Niall chokes out. "You mean you did it more than once?"

"Sure," Harry shrugs. "She loved it. Something about my stamina, she said."

"Ugh," Louis groans. "Not only are you depraved but you are clearly delusional."

Niall laughs loudly. "Obviously he's crazy if he's screwing a shrink."

Harry seems undeterred. He glances shyly at Louis, nudges him with his knee. "Have you ever done it?"

Louis doesn't meet his eyes. "I don't even have a psychiatrist," he sniffs primly.

Harry smiles, cheeks dimpling. "Have you ever done it with a normal person?"

"Didn't we already cover this?" Louis huffs, fidgeting with his sleeves. "S'all you lads want to talk about."

Zayn Malik looks over at him sharply. Louis suddenly feels inspected. "You never answered the question," he points out unhelpfully.

"Yes, well," Louis says haughtily. "I'm not about to discuss my private life with the likes of you lot."

Zayn Malik smirks. Louis clenches his jaw and hopes his cheeks aren't pinking up.

"It's kind of a double edged sword isn't it?" Harry says, voice deeper than it has any right to be. 

"A what?" Louis snaps, defensive.

Harry blinks at him, smiling tentatively. "Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have, you're a braggart. You want to but you can't, and when you do you wish you didn't, right?"

Louis glares at him. He doesn't really understand what Harry actually said but he knows he's—"Wrong."

Harry tilts his head, looks at Louis thoughtfully. "Are you a tease?"

Zayn murmurs, "He's a tease," just after flicking his lighter on and lighting a cigarette. 

Louis feels himself flush and it only makes him angrier. "Have you quite finished?"

"To be fair, Tommo, you are a bit of a tease," Liam says, sounding apologetic just the same. "Just look at you," he says, gesturing helplessly.

Zayn narrows his eyes at Liam, like he's only just noticed him for the first time. "He's only a tease if what he does gets you hot," he says, voice strangely melodic for how fiercely he's staring at Liam.

Liam closes his mouth abruptly and blushes. Louis frowns. "I don't _do_ anything."

"Then you're definitely a tease," Harry says, infuriatingly slowly.

Louis turns towards him and glares. "Yeah, okay, stud. How about I ask you a few questions?"

Harry looks pleased to have Louis's attention again. "Yeah, sure. What kinds of things do you want to know? I'm an Aquarius—"

"Doesn't it bother you to sleep around with just anyone?" Louis says, voice dripping with disdain. Harry's face falls momentarily, but then he sucks in a breath and looks Louis straight in the eye. "How do you expect anyone to respect you?"

"He doesn't have sex to get respect," Zayn mutters from his perch near the window. He exhales through the cracked open sill. "That's what makes him different from you," he says, nodding at Louis.

Louis frowns again. He's not sure why Zayn Malik of all people are jumping to Harry's defense. "It's not the only difference," Louis says, glancing over at Harry, who is rather openly staring at him. Louis can't help sticking his tongue out quickly, rolling his eyes again when Harry smiles at him.

When he looks away, he finds Zayn still watching him intently. It makes the hairs prickle at the back of his neck. "I think you may be a tease, mate," is all Zayn says.

"Oh for fuck's sake," Louis complains. "I'm not a tease."

Zayn shrugs, like he's bored with the conversation. "You said it yourself. Sex is your weapon. You use it to get respect."

"No," Louis says quickly. "I never said that. You twisted my words around to make it sound that way."

"What do you use it for then?" asks Harry, blinking innocently at Louis.

"I don't 'use it' period."

Zayn smirks again, only this time Louis can _hear_ it. "Is that a medical issue or is it psychological?"

All in all, this is turning out to be the worst fucking day. "I didn't mean it that way. You lads are putting words into my mouth."

"What else would you like in your mouth?" 

Louis glares at Harry again, but it's shaky this time. His neck is warm and he feels panicky, caught out.

"If you'd just answer the question, Lou," Liam says, like he's trying to help.

"Yeah mate, why don't ya just answer the question?"

Louis swallows thickly. "What was the question, specifically?"

Harry leans forward, elbows on his knees and watches Louis intently. "Have you put your penis inside of anyone before? Not counting before birth."

"And why is that something you feel entitled to know, exactly?"

Liam sighs and rubs his hands on his thighs. "Be honest, Tommo. Honesty is the best policy."

"It's not a big deal," Zayn Malik says from the window.

"Yeah, might as well tell us. We're gonna find out at some point anyway," Niall agrees.

"Answer the question, Lou," says Liam.

"C'mon, it's easy. It's only one question," says Zayn.

Suddenly it's a cacophony of voices, all spewing some form of _C'mon, answer the question. Come on. Answer it._

Louis really has no other choice. "NO, I NEVER DID IT," he shouts. "Christ." Then, more quietly, "I'm not—interested in girls, as it were. And I don't have the faintest clue about bumsex. So no. I never did it."

The room is suddenly silent. Louis wants to cry.

"I never did it either," Harry says suddenly. His voice is rough and low and his hands are trembling. "I'm not a sex addict. I'm a compulsive liar. I'm also massively in love with you. Have been since we met." 

He coughs and Louis gapes up at him, shocked. Harry wrings at his hands, but doesn't look away. "Are you lying about that?" Louis asks, voice gone hoarse. Harry shakes his head slowly. "Oh," Louis says, expression blank. He drops his gaze down to Harry's hands. His fingers are rather long.

"I've read a thing or two about bumsex," Harry continues, pushing his hair out of his face. "If you'd like to give it a go with me?"

**Author's Note:**

> I just really wish I could have written Zayn peering at Liam's lunch and saying, "Well, Liam, this is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mum marry Mr. Rogers?"
> 
> So that Liam could squint up at him all confused and be like, "Uh, no. Mr. Payne."
> 
> TOO BAD I'M THE WORST AT FINISHING ACTUAL FIC.


End file.
